Back to School - January 2009

This is my first day back at school. Today was a teacher work day. I wrote my lesson plans, went to the faculty meeting, and then went to the department meeting.

The best thing to happen was a conversation I had with Mrs. Crane, one of the Guidance Counselors. Darryl had talked to me about looking at a job in St. Mary's Georgia. I am trying not to get too worked up about the whole thing but I did talk to Mrs. Crane who used to live there. Sure enough she told me that if Darryl shot her his resume she'd send it to her husband who might be able to help him get a job. YIPPPPPEEEEEEEEE!!!!!!!!! I'm keping my fingers crossed

Here are the blog sweeps I entered today:

Prize: 2009 Letterpress calendar from Papered Together

Two bottles of GymSoap

Prize: $100 White House Black Market gift card

Turn Away From Me So I Can Have A Moment of Joy

You remember the story of Job? He was God's loyal servant and God tested his faith by causing him many great trials and tribulations. Job questioned God but he didn’t turn his abandon his faith. (See Job10:1-20 below). Right now I feel as if I were being sucked into an abyss of grief. It’s not just losing the house and all it represents. It’s not just Darryl’s job loss. It’s not just the changes in our plans for the coming year. It’s those things and so much more.

I know that times like this can provide the gift of a strengthen character. When we are in the midst of things we sometimes become blinded to the peripherals and our focus becomes single minded. It is in confronting and mastering difficulties that our highest accomplishments are found. Letting go of the reigns and letting God take over is frightening even when we know that he has our best interest at heart.

I know some might say, “Gee Cathy you sure are getting worked up over that house. Some people don’t have a house. Some people have to live on a park bench.” Some people might say “Cathy you have a job that pays you well and gives you more days off than any other job I know. You alone make a very good salary.” It hasn’t been that I don’t realize those things. When you are going through something you don’t feel comforted by the fact that others are doing less well. How could you?

Last week, I spoke with a co-worker who is going through family difficulties that have long term consequences. I love this woman because she is so incredibly caring. We talked for a little while and joked that we should run away. It was a joke because we both knew that neither one of us could abandon those that we loved. We both knew that the problems would not be solved by running away to the coast of Maine. I joked that in our next lives we would come back as pampered pups. I would have a mistress who would hire a groomer that would brush my silky coat every day. I would have a pink satin pillow to lay on and prissy foo foo toys for my enjoyment. We were laughing and for a little while our concerns were trivialized.

Yesterday I was riding home with a friend. She was grieving for her brother who has been told he has about a year to live. In the scheme of things losing my house is not even a blip on that satellite.

I realize that in the great scheme of things I have been blessed far beyond what I deserve. I realize that through the prism of time I will see that everything did happen for a reason and that the plan God has set for me was the best one. I realize that in the face of every challenge I meet there is a lesson to learn and a gift to receive. I know these things.

The best way for me to describe what is going on with me right now is to ask you to watch some of those old Godzilla Movies or UltraMan TV shows. In those shows you’d see Japanese people speaking heavily accented English. Their mouths would move but they were never in sync with the words that were being said. Sometimes the camera would be focused on a female and the voice of a male character who spoke three minutes previously would be heard. It’s like my head, my heart, and my spirit are all working to tell the same story but they are hopelessly out of sync which makes the story hopelessly difficult to follow.

Yesterday when I picked up the FedEx envelope off our front porch my heart did a leap. At first I imagined it just like a movie. A contest won. A check received that would save the house. Instead I looked at the return address and saw it was from Darryl’s job. My heart dared to hope it was a letter profusely apologizing to Darryl for the mix-up. Instead it was his last check and I just became a step closer to being resolute in the face of losing the house.

I asked Darryl if he heard from the man who was supposed to make us an offer on the house. No he hadn’t. It’s been several days. We are selling it at a great loss and are asking the bank to accept it as paid in full. It would help us avoid taking a hit on our credit. The silent acceptance of where I stand is becoming more concrete with each passing day.

So for those who feel that I have tossed off my faith in the face of what I am facing, I have not. I know it is easier to believe when things are going well but for me it is those trying times when I need to believe the most. Last night I began taking a mental inventory of all the gifts that God has laid before me and I realized for the 18,015 time that I have been blessed far more than I ever deserved.

Does this mean I won’t feel sad, complain, cry out? No. I’m not a saint. I am mortal and that means I have failings. I must live life one day at a time. I don’t have to worry about tomorrow but rest in the assurance that God will be even closer tomorrow if only I let him.

Job 10:1-20

Job 10:1 “I loathe my very life; therefore I will give free rein to my complaint and speak out in the bitterness of my soul.
Job 10:2 I will say to God: Do not condemn me, but tell me what chargesd you have against me.
Job 10:3 Does it please you to oppress me, to spurn the work of your hands, while you smile on the schemes of the wicked?
Job 10:4 Do you have eyes of flesh? Do you see as a mortal sees?
Job 10:5 Are your days like those of a mortal or your years like those of a man,
Job 10:6 that you must search out my faults and probe after my sin
Job 10:7 though you know that I am not guilty and that no one can rescue me from your hand?
Job 10:8 “Your hands shaped me and made me. Will you now turn and destroy me?
Job 10:9 Remember that you molded me like clay. Will you now turn me to dust again?
Job 10:10 Did you not pour me out like milk and curdle me like cheese,
Job 10:11 clothe me with skin and flesh and knit me togetherr with bones and sinews?
Job 10:12 You gave me lifes and showed me kindness, and in your providence watched over my spirit.
Job 10:13 “But this is what you concealed in your heart, and I know that this was in your mind:
Job 10:14 If I sinned, you would be watching mex and would not let my offense go unpunished.
Job 10:15 If I am guilty—woe to me!a Even if I am innocent, I cannot lift my head, for I am full of shame and drowned in my affliction.
Job 10:16 If I hold my head high, you stalk me like a liond and again display your awesome power against me.
Job 10:17 You bring new witnesses against me and increase your anger toward me; your forces come against me wave upon wave.
Job 10:18 “Why then did you bring me out of the womb? I wish I had died before any eye saw me.
Job 10:19 If only I had never come into being, or had been carried straight from the womb to the grave!
Job 10:20 Are not my few daysl almost over? Turn away from men so I can have a moment’s joy

You Don't See What's Coming

Last year I wanted desperately to leave Rome High School. At the time it looked like we wouldn’t make our No Child Left Behind Numbers. We started out the year hearing that there was no way around it we were going to fall short of the numbers. Morale was bad and I really felt that Dr. Evans would be gone by the end of the year. We later learned that he was desperately trying to get out, sort of the rats trying to abandon the ship analogy.

By February I was sending out resumes and trying to get an interview at another school. I wanted to get a job closer to our home in Acworth. They were throwing up beautiful brand new schools only minutes from my new home. I went to the cattle calls but couldn’t get an interview. I was beside myself. As a matter of fact I didn’t hear from any school until weeks before I had to start back to Rome and it was too late. That job would have been in Cherokee County which is a nice county.

So here I was back at Rome and I remember thinking well next year I will try a different route of attack in finding a job in Paulding County. Well I guess there was a reason I didn’t get the job. I guess because I was meant to go back to Cartersville. I didn’t make the connection until I was talking with Loretta after Thanksgiving dinner.

After dinner Loretta and I talked for a couple of hours while Darryl, his father, and Wally were watching TV. I like Loretta and she was sitting there talking to me about how one of her sisters wouldn’t visit her as long as she lived in a trailer. I felt that was petty. She told me that when she drove up to visit us tonight she couldn’t imagine herself ever living in such a nice house. I told her that I had felt the same way.

After they left, Darryl wanted to read my blog. Darryl never wanted to read my blog before now he was all for reading my blog. Why I asked. He said he wanted to see what I wrote. Why? I just want to see he insisted.

Instead he read, nitpicked, denied, and tried to tell me that the apple in my hand was actually an orange. He was upset about the comment about the dog saying it made him sound like a Prick.



 I had explained it using just that comment because he really didn’t get how heartless he was being with the house. I was trying to mourn losing this house and he was beside himself wanting to show me BETTER homes. It’s hard to see ANYTHING as better when you loved where you were. It’s hard to say wow I’m so thrilled to have such a beautiful house, but gee you sure are right that linoleum has a lot of pluses to it. When he asked me what I didn’t like about the homes he showed me he told me that he’d get a tile floor and then say, look we paid way too much for that house we’re living in. We overpaid for the view. Again he’s missing the whole puppy thing. If you really love your puppy, I don’t care if the NEW Puppy is an AKA blue blood poodle you don’t see any pluses to the new puppy.

So I had to hear about how I was being petty about the whole house thing. He just doesn’t know. I was able to fix my dinner in my double ovens and Loretta couldn’t get over it. She looked like I feel every time I use them. It’s as though I’m Weezy Jefferson and I can almost hear the music cue “Well we’re movin’ on up…to the east side…..”

 Sure I know why we are moving back to the other house. Yes I volunteered to do that. Yes I’m lucky that I have somewhere to go. Can’t I feel bad about it? Can’t I feel a bit sad about losing the house and what it represented to me?

I think what Darryl wanted was for me to say, “You are so right Darryl. I can’t wait to move over to Cartersville. Oh and don’t you worry about anything. I’ll just keep teaching and I’ll keep my mouth shut about concerns about you beginning your own business. It’s like Obama Universe. I guess it’s supposed to be sunshine, lollypops and rainbows every day. Sure there are more important things in this world about the house but it’s easier to focus on that than on the uncertainty of just when Darryl is going to find a job.

So after he reads my blog he has cross words with me and tries to edit what I had to say. Why did you say this? Why did you say that? When I try to explain something like the stains on the counter I offer to show them to him only to remember that he’s changed the counter there. It doesn’t matter to him about what condition that the kitchen was in or how depressing it was. For him it was the matter that I posted what I saw and he felt that it was a misrepresentation. Perhaps I should have said “Oh and my kitchen back in Cartersville, the floor was heated marble and the counters were hand polished granite. I could scarcely choke back the tears having seen those beautiful cherry wood cabinets. Oh and forget the double oven I had a convection oven and a trash compactor” The truth however was that this was not how the kitchen looked and I stand by my story.

This is the same guy who jumps on me if I tell one of my sons that Darryl got me a 2000 Sebring. Why did you tell them what year? Why is that important? Why didn’t you just say that you got a convertible? He feels it makes him look cheap. I didn’t. I needed a car. He said he wanted to buy me a convertible for my next car and he did. I love my new car.

When I began writing this entry he tossed some more angry words.
I posted a picture ofthe ugly downstairs bathroom in cartersville
a picture I used trying to win a new kitchen is at the top of this blog. The large yellow stain was covered by our microwave. Do you like the stove?

Well Darryl might not remember this but the first time I turned the oven on the living room filled with smoke. That’s why we wound up buying a neighbor’s stove. Oh don’t even ask about the ugly yellow and blue wallpaper. I didn’t pick it out. The previous owner had a thing for wallpaper.

So no in the scheme of things I do know that a house is a house and not a home. I’m asking Darryl to allow me to mourn the loss of the house. Instead I’m catching grief. I had to listen to his little rant to his Dad about how I want him to work at McDonalds. I guess the thing is, if McDonalds is hiring then maybe we need to put in an application. He and I talk about people who say they can’t find jobs but they pass right by the help wanted signs or people who refuse to move to find jobs. We should be willing to do the same thing. Having said that, I am must go because I need to continue grabbing my ankles and thanking him for all the grief he's giving me.

The Economy Sends Us a Sucker Punch

OH MY GOD!!!!!!!!!!!!! Darryl's company just recently sent him to Mexico. He was gone for several days and I missed him. When he came home he went on and on about what a great sign this was for him. After all his boss normally would have gone on such a trip but they were sending him. We imagined that he would be promoted and sent to Dallas, Texas. I hated to think about that but on the other hand it looked like we'd be moving in the right direction. We figured I'd have another three years here and then I would be vested in my pension plan. We figured even if he got called in before I finished my time here we'd travel back and forth and then I'd move down. I love this house but I wanted Darryl to move forward with his career.

The planets seemed to finally be aligning in all the right places. The auto insurance was going to pay us almost all of what I needed for my new car after the accident. We were finally going to rent out the house in Cartersville. I was beginning to have little dreams of being more like some upper middle class woman. You know the kind that stays at home, gets her hair done every six weeks and goes out to dinner with the girls. We just got an invite from the neighbor women to go to an ornament exchange and I was trying to figure out how to make the pennies really squeeze.

Darryl was wondering about us taking a trip to see my family for the holidays and about seeing Gene get married. We talked about visiting my son Michael before he shipped off for Iraq. As a matter of fact Darryl just emailed me about a cross country trip he'd like to take this summer. We were finally going to stop wondering when the next shoe was going to drop.

Well the shoe dropped. Just a few weeks ago I asked Darryl, what would happen if he got laid off. I fretted over it a little but Darryl assured me his company was having record profits. At the time they were getting ready to send him to Mexico. He assured me that the nation needed coal and he didn't for see any reason to worry. He'd actually been told that engineering probably wouldn't be hurt by all this. He was being trained to take his boss' place. I believed him and I believe Darryl believed this too.

I came home from work planning to work on Dan's resume. Honestly I felt pretty good. I was finally through with being sick. I would have time to work on Dan's stuff and keep up with my sweeps. Yippee. No sense of impending doom.

I was home, maybe an hour and I was fixing dinner. Big dog as moving back and forth, he wanted to go out. I saw Darryl outside. What was that about? He was supposed to be at work. Maybe he was sick. Maybe he took the day off. "Look big dog. Daddy's home."

Darryl looked up. "I didn't want you to see this. I wanted to wait until I got in." he said. He was taking his boots out of the car. His small fridge was in the trunk. "What's wrong?" I asked. He asked me to wait until he got in.

I wondered if he was going to tell me we got broken into again. I'd just had enough I was just sick and tired of it. I waited and stood in front of the stove. What could it be. What did he know. I hadn't seen his Dad was something wrong and he wanted to tell me when he was inside.

Then it clicked. He got laid off. He WHAT? No no that can't be true. That's a crazy thought.

Darryl came in. He got laid off. They called him in today around 3:00 and told him that they were laying him off. This is so unexpected. We were so blindsided by this. We are going to have to give this house, my dream house back to the bank. I'm moving back to Cartersville. I've been here before.

Darryl's got to get a job within three weeks or we lose the house. I told him that we'll just give this house back. There's just no way he can get another job so quickly. Not in this economy. Just no way. I sit here in the loft typing on my computer. I had a dream about how I wanted this loft to look. I loved looking out my window as the sun rose in the morning. I imagined how we would entertain in my beautiful kitchen. I loved my bedroom. I loved my living room. It's a beautiful house.

It's all over. I need to start bringing boxes home soon. We really have to leave. I can't say my life is over. I've faced much worse in my life. What I can say is that this is a sucker punch I wasn't expecting.

Say a prayer for us.