The average net worth of American households plunged 22.7%

Today has been a difficult day for me. No, it’s not even about the recession. I can’t share the problem, except to say that one of my students is facing a great challenge and I wish I had been able to help her more. Sometimes, some people are so adept at hiding problems you have no clue that there is something wrong. All the signs that they train you to look for may not even be apparent, even in retrospect. I felt as though a heavy weight was sitting on my chest, making it difficult for me to breathe. Getting to a better place is going to be a long road and I hope she knows that I am always in her corner.

My day had been going pretty well. The kids were so well behaved and they liked the lemonade game that we’re playing in Entrepreneurship. Then I received the email. Since then I feel a bit lost and confused. Why didn’t I see some sign? Why didn’t I know?

Well, now back to the not so cheery economy. The Federal Reserve says the recession has cut many Americans' net worth by about 20 percent as the value of homes, stock portfolios and businesses plummet.

The Fed says the average net worth of American households plunged 22.7 percent since the recession began in December 2007 through October, when the report was prepared. The median net worth, or the midpoint between the wealthiest and poorest, fell 17.8 percent. Yesterday Darryl told me that a new study shows that men are losing jobs at a disproportionately higher rate than women. Honestly, when I was growing up I believed a man would marry me, we would have babies and I would stay home with them. This never really happened. I imagined that my husband would make more than me and I would be part of a traditional family. Instead it seems that I have been the breadwinner for a great deal of my life. Darryl says I live too much in the past but I guess living in the present always makes me feel like the life I was told awaited me was all just another sham.

With no end in sight to what some economists say will be the longest recession since the Second World War; some analysts say women could soon outnumber men in the workplace. A full 82 percent of the job losses have befallen men, who are heavily represented in distressed industries like manufacturing and construction. Women tend to be employed in areas like education and health care, which are less sensitive to economic ups and downs, and in jobs that allow more time for child care and other domestic work.

Women may be safer in their jobs, but tend to find it harder to support a family. For one thing, they work fewer overall hours than men. Women are much more likely to be in part-time jobs without health insurance or unemployment insurance. Even in full-time jobs, women earn 80 cents for each dollar of their male counterparts’ income, according to the government data.

Then again I'm a teacher and the cut backs are really beginning to affect us. For one, next year Rome City Schools will stop supplementing our state insurance. Oh sure it's only $18 a month and to put it in prespective I DO have a JOB. Then again it all adds up doesn't it? In some of the county schools they are beginning lay offs. I spoke to someone at the Vocational meeting tonight and i was told that in Bartow County, they will be scheduled to work 190 days but only get paid for 185. At the local technical college they've had a couple of furlough days where you don't come in and you don't get paid. So it's not as if we are totally immune from all this.

Darryl heard from a company that wants to talk to him about his resume. Keep your fingers crossed and I will let you know more about it later.

Baby It's Cold Outside

The Weather Channel threatened us with ice and snow flurries. I told the kids to go home and think snow last night. I put some of that book the Secret to work but it failed to produce any results. Then again, perhaps the kids forgot to do their homework or the dog ate their homework. You see although it was very chilly this morning there was not a speck of snow on the ground. Ah the good old days back up in Maryland where there was a lot of snow and you got the day off. I can’t cry too much though because we will get a couple of days off for Valentine’s Day to make up for the fact that we haven’t taken any snow days.

Speaking of snow days back in Maryland, I see that my birthplace, DC has passed a mandate requiring that drivers clean the ice from their car. You receive a citation but no fine if you fail to do so. The law takes effect immediately and will be in place for 90 days.

I received an interesting call today from someone at Kroger. She said she received my letter and she checked out my blog. She is sending it on to others. I told her about my idea about doing a series of blogs about shopping at Kroger. She's going to send me the information about who to speak to, now that's exciting. Wish me luck

I received a winning email today. I won Daily Prize: Tower of Treats (ARV $39.95).

Here are the blog contests I've entered today:

Win yummy Valentines day cookies for you or a loved one! The Cookie Boutique's cookies aren't only yummy, they are pretty!

Win a 32ct. box of chocolate bon bons from Pikes Peak Bon Bons! Just in time for Valentine's Day.

win a valentine dog bandana

Prize: Product Red iPod Nano and two SOAPnet/ABC Hot Guys calendars.

Prizes (2): Valentine's Day box of dark and "milk" chocolate hearts.

Prize: Set of cupcake charms

Prize: Shea Whipp and Cupcake Soap.

Prize: Copy of Angels in the ER by Dr. Robert Lesslie, M.D.

5 Winners will each get the new Strawberry Shortcake DVD.

A Sign Of The Times

Years ago when I was in college I remember the recession that happened after the stock market collapse in 1987 (October 1987). The stock collapse of unprecedented size lopped twenty-five percent off the Dow Jones Industrial Average. The collapse, larger than that of 1929, was handled well by the economy and the stock market began to quickly recover. However the lumbering savings and loans were beginning to collapse, putting the savings of millions of Americans in jeopardy. Sound familiar?

People often think of DC as almost recession proof yet they were difficult times. I remember a new convention center/upscale hotel was getting ready to open and they were having a job fair. At the time I was a cocktail waitress and going to college. I felt I could make more money working there and it was a lot closer to home than where I was working. The day of the job fair there were lines almost wrapping around the building of people with college degrees applying for jobs like hostess, grounds keeper, etc. I remember feeling so very frightened about the future.

My parents and grandparents had lived through the depression and I was already on welfare trying to work my way off of it. I was going to college for a better life. I didn’t want to be the sixty year old woman waiting tables at Denny’s on the night shift. You might say I was short sighted in this because I honestly didn’t see how we would come out of this.

Now I’m seeing shades of this again. Long lines of people applying for few jobs each desperately wanting a chance to support their families, what jobs would there be now that American’s don’t want to do? In Miami today 750 applicants showed up to apply for a position as a Miami firefighter. There are 35 openings that we have," he said. "We will accept 750 qualified applications who will compete for those 35 positions."

Need more proof about just how bad it is? In Canton, Ohio people came from as far as New York City in hopes of improving their lives by insuring others. Liberty National Insurance began spreading the word last week that it plans to open a new Canton branch with about 100 new jobs. Applicants were told they could make $80,000 per year or more, depending on how motivated they were to sell insurance. They had so many applicants that it ran out of applications just minutes after the job fair began. In Austin, Texas before the city went on a hiring freeze there was a part-time position open for a person to do shelving, and more than 200 people applied.

These are scary times. One of the teachers in my department was told he didn't have enough completers in his program. Remember when I said I felt like I was in the movie the Lottery. I believe he is the first cast drawn. He told me tha the was told that the principals already told him that they are looking at where to make cutbacks and his program doesn't have enough completers.

Today was a red letter mail day. I received the free Valentine Cards I ordered, the free calendar I ordered from Snapfish, and I received the cutest Koala Bear from a contest I won. It even has an autographed card from the race card driver. Very cute.

I also won another blog contest. It turns out I won some doggie Valentine Cards. Speaking of doggies, I won't be getting the puppy I talked about. We decided it would be too traumatic on my dogs to get a new younger dog.

Love For Sale

OK not that kind of love get your mind out of the gutter. I’m talking about the house. Everyone knows how sad I am about losing the house and all that it represents. As December 15th drew nearer I was getting myself used to the idea that half my house would be gone. I was trying to motivate myself to finish packing my books to send them over to the Cartersville house. I’d been delaying it but I planned to do that this weekend as well as packing my summer clothing.

Earlier this week, I’d been listening to an audio book about the Gospel of John and John’s letters. I’d gotten the book free from I-Tunes and there were famous actors and actresses reading various parts of the story. John was the longest living of the disciples and he was there for much of the early times of the church. I was reminded once again what I knew which was that the house was of this earth. Since it was of this earth its importance should be greatly diminished in my life. I should accept that I was losing it. Whether or not I would be stuck in Cartersville or move to a better house it was not going to be my decision.

We have the For Sale sign in the front yard and someone had looked at it saying he was going to put an offer on the house. Each day for a few days I would ask if we’d heard anything. The act of saying “Did we get an offer?” made the reality of what was going on more concrete. I stopped asking because after a few days I figured that no offer was forthcoming.

I had stopped mentioning the house to Darryl. I secretly entertained myself with the happily ever after movie ending for the house. You’ve seen it time and time again in the movies or on tv. The family is on the verge of losing the house when something major happens. It is unexpected and it always comes just at the last minute. I imagine myself winning the lottery and saying to Darryl “Look honey now we can stay here!” I imagine winning a contest with a large cash prize and as I sign the affy I turn to Darryl saying “I told you we wouldn’t have to leave. I knew that we were meant to be here.” I see clips of an old Little Rascals show where an old woman almost lost her home to the bank when the Little Rascals put on a show and earned enough to save her home. I remember another show where a woman was going to lose her home when she discovers some old stock she had forgotten about and discovered that it was worth a fortune. She’s able to keep her home. I remember the part of the book in the Prize Winner of Defiance Ohio when they were days away from losing their home and she wins the money to pay off the home.

The fantasies entertain me and sometimes comfort me or make me hopeful but my mind is becoming more in sync with reality. We are going to lose this house and it will no longer be my home.

Then I got home and Darryl greeted me with some news about the house. “Did I tell you about the house?” Like I said I haven’t asked him about the status of the house for several days. I didn’t steal myself for what he was about to tell me. It was if I already knew the answer and I was ready to hear it. “No you didn’t. Did that guy make an offer? When do we need to be out?”

I almost didn’t hear his answer. That’s because the video began to flash in my head “We’ve saved the house. You can live here forever” began to play as I half listened to his answer. “The bank says that since we have the house up for sale we can stay here until March. I’ve cancelled the moving van for December 15th. “ WHAT????????????? I was lost for a moment. Did dream that sequence? It couldn’t be real. I dared break the moment because I knew I needed to be in the moment and really understand what was happening. “We can stay here until March? Why is that?’ He then explained that the bank can’t really work with us as far as lowering anything until he gets a job. In the meantime they don’t want a foreclosure on the books or a vacant house or a delinquent loan on the books. It’s better to allow us to remain in the home and try to sell it. They feel it’s easier to sell it if we are in the home and they’d get back more of their investment if we sold it than if it went into foreclosure or if we gave it back to them.

I looked out the window of the loft. The lights twinkled down below and into the distance. Does this mean I can decorate for Christmas? “Sure. If you want to do that this weekend I’ll help you.”

We talked a bit more about the house and about how I’d already begun separating myself from the house and about how for him the house was just a house. He told me that it didn’t matter where we were we could always be happy. He said that there would be other houses and that this wasn’t the end of the world. This is true. I’m just thankful, just grateful that I can stay in the house for the holidays. I don’t’ know if I dare dream that this is some signal that things are going to get better now that I’ve accepted where we are. I do know that for now I am still in the house. It is still up for sale and perhaps someone will buy my house.

I am grateful that I have more time to get my thoughts and feelings in order. I am grateful that I have someone who is there for me. Some people lose it all but I still have so very much to be thankful for and maybe that’s the lesson that I need to draw from this whole experience.

Turn Away From Me So I Can Have A Moment of Joy

You remember the story of Job? He was God's loyal servant and God tested his faith by causing him many great trials and tribulations. Job questioned God but he didn’t turn his abandon his faith. (See Job10:1-20 below). Right now I feel as if I were being sucked into an abyss of grief. It’s not just losing the house and all it represents. It’s not just Darryl’s job loss. It’s not just the changes in our plans for the coming year. It’s those things and so much more.

I know that times like this can provide the gift of a strengthen character. When we are in the midst of things we sometimes become blinded to the peripherals and our focus becomes single minded. It is in confronting and mastering difficulties that our highest accomplishments are found. Letting go of the reigns and letting God take over is frightening even when we know that he has our best interest at heart.

I know some might say, “Gee Cathy you sure are getting worked up over that house. Some people don’t have a house. Some people have to live on a park bench.” Some people might say “Cathy you have a job that pays you well and gives you more days off than any other job I know. You alone make a very good salary.” It hasn’t been that I don’t realize those things. When you are going through something you don’t feel comforted by the fact that others are doing less well. How could you?

Last week, I spoke with a co-worker who is going through family difficulties that have long term consequences. I love this woman because she is so incredibly caring. We talked for a little while and joked that we should run away. It was a joke because we both knew that neither one of us could abandon those that we loved. We both knew that the problems would not be solved by running away to the coast of Maine. I joked that in our next lives we would come back as pampered pups. I would have a mistress who would hire a groomer that would brush my silky coat every day. I would have a pink satin pillow to lay on and prissy foo foo toys for my enjoyment. We were laughing and for a little while our concerns were trivialized.

Yesterday I was riding home with a friend. She was grieving for her brother who has been told he has about a year to live. In the scheme of things losing my house is not even a blip on that satellite.

I realize that in the great scheme of things I have been blessed far beyond what I deserve. I realize that through the prism of time I will see that everything did happen for a reason and that the plan God has set for me was the best one. I realize that in the face of every challenge I meet there is a lesson to learn and a gift to receive. I know these things.

The best way for me to describe what is going on with me right now is to ask you to watch some of those old Godzilla Movies or UltraMan TV shows. In those shows you’d see Japanese people speaking heavily accented English. Their mouths would move but they were never in sync with the words that were being said. Sometimes the camera would be focused on a female and the voice of a male character who spoke three minutes previously would be heard. It’s like my head, my heart, and my spirit are all working to tell the same story but they are hopelessly out of sync which makes the story hopelessly difficult to follow.

Yesterday when I picked up the FedEx envelope off our front porch my heart did a leap. At first I imagined it just like a movie. A contest won. A check received that would save the house. Instead I looked at the return address and saw it was from Darryl’s job. My heart dared to hope it was a letter profusely apologizing to Darryl for the mix-up. Instead it was his last check and I just became a step closer to being resolute in the face of losing the house.

I asked Darryl if he heard from the man who was supposed to make us an offer on the house. No he hadn’t. It’s been several days. We are selling it at a great loss and are asking the bank to accept it as paid in full. It would help us avoid taking a hit on our credit. The silent acceptance of where I stand is becoming more concrete with each passing day.

So for those who feel that I have tossed off my faith in the face of what I am facing, I have not. I know it is easier to believe when things are going well but for me it is those trying times when I need to believe the most. Last night I began taking a mental inventory of all the gifts that God has laid before me and I realized for the 18,015 time that I have been blessed far more than I ever deserved.

Does this mean I won’t feel sad, complain, cry out? No. I’m not a saint. I am mortal and that means I have failings. I must live life one day at a time. I don’t have to worry about tomorrow but rest in the assurance that God will be even closer tomorrow if only I let him.

Job 10:1-20

Job 10:1 “I loathe my very life; therefore I will give free rein to my complaint and speak out in the bitterness of my soul.
Job 10:2 I will say to God: Do not condemn me, but tell me what chargesd you have against me.
Job 10:3 Does it please you to oppress me, to spurn the work of your hands, while you smile on the schemes of the wicked?
Job 10:4 Do you have eyes of flesh? Do you see as a mortal sees?
Job 10:5 Are your days like those of a mortal or your years like those of a man,
Job 10:6 that you must search out my faults and probe after my sin
Job 10:7 though you know that I am not guilty and that no one can rescue me from your hand?
Job 10:8 “Your hands shaped me and made me. Will you now turn and destroy me?
Job 10:9 Remember that you molded me like clay. Will you now turn me to dust again?
Job 10:10 Did you not pour me out like milk and curdle me like cheese,
Job 10:11 clothe me with skin and flesh and knit me togetherr with bones and sinews?
Job 10:12 You gave me lifes and showed me kindness, and in your providence watched over my spirit.
Job 10:13 “But this is what you concealed in your heart, and I know that this was in your mind:
Job 10:14 If I sinned, you would be watching mex and would not let my offense go unpunished.
Job 10:15 If I am guilty—woe to me!a Even if I am innocent, I cannot lift my head, for I am full of shame and drowned in my affliction.
Job 10:16 If I hold my head high, you stalk me like a liond and again display your awesome power against me.
Job 10:17 You bring new witnesses against me and increase your anger toward me; your forces come against me wave upon wave.
Job 10:18 “Why then did you bring me out of the womb? I wish I had died before any eye saw me.
Job 10:19 If only I had never come into being, or had been carried straight from the womb to the grave!
Job 10:20 Are not my few daysl almost over? Turn away from men so I can have a moment’s joy

Economy Sheds 533K Jobs in November

According to this Fox Business Report this was the biggest one-month job loss since January of 1974.

The Labor Department said nearly all sectors lost jobs during the November period. Construction jobs fell by 82,000 during the month, while service sector jobs dropped by a massive 370,000 jobs.

The professional and business service sector lost 136,000 jobs, while manufacturing firms shed 85,000 jobs last month as well. The high-paying, high-quality jobs that both Wall Street and the U.S. government is looking for were not immune from this job purging.

The only sectors where jobs were created last month were in education and health services, which created 52,000 jobs last month, and in government, where 7,000 jobs were created last month as well. Education, health and government are considered recession-resistant professions and do not tend to shed jobs in times of economic slowdowns. It’s times like this that make me really appreciate my teaching job.

Darryl registered with the unemployment office on Tuesday. He couldn’t apply before then because technically he was still on their payroll. He is eligible for the maximum payment. For those who need to apply in the State of Georgia click HERE for information. Looking for a Job in Georgia ? Well please check HERE for a job search engine.

When I arrived home yesterday I discovered a FedEx envelope on our front step. As a sweeper that’s usually good news. Yesterday it was bittersweet at least for me. The envelope was for Darryl from Trinity. It contained his last check. I couldn’t help but hope it was a letter asking him to come back. You know what they say about the phases of grief, one of them is denial. I’m in it pretty deep. I keep hoping against hope we’ll get a call saying, “You know Darryl, we’ve reconsidered and we realize we need you here. Come back ok?” None of it seems to faze Darryl though. He’s put a pretty happy spin on it and seems annoyed that this is all troubling me so much. In the meantime he’s readying the other house for our return.

I’m Just Another Statistic on A Sheet

Bob Seger wrote a song called “I Feel Like A Number”. There have been times in my life I felt like the spoke in the wheel a tiny blade of grass in a big field. I think Bob Seger’s description is very apt. Ronald Reagan once said “A recession is when your neighbor loses his job. A depression is when you lose yours.”

As a Business teacher, I’m very aware that the definition of a recession is two consecutive quarters of economic contraction, or a decline in real gross domestic product. I am also aware that there has never, in the postwar U.S., been a 1 percentage point increase in unemployment without a recession having been declared, and much of that increase in unemployment occurs after the recession started.

This weekend Darryl and I read the AJC (Atlanta Journal Constitution) about the latest statistics. According to the article Georgia’s Unemployment Fund Stable for Now Georgia State University economist Rajeev Dhawan predicted in his quarterly forecasting report that the United States will lose 2 million more jobs during the next year, in addition to the 1 million that have already been lost.

With the unemployment rate already at 7 percent, Georgians won’t see any real signs of recovery for at least another 18 months, said Dhawan, director of the Economic Forecasting Center at Georgia State.

I’m old enough to remember the Jimmy Carter Presidency and its repercussions. Honestly I would love to say that Ronald Reagan inspired me to vote, he did but only towards the end of the campaign when I really paid attention. It was my first Presidential vote and I knew I HATED Carter. That’s really what inspired me. HATE is a strong word. Even then I remember the media trying to sway me with fear. Watch out, if Reagan gets in there will be global cooling. If Reagan gets in there will be nuclear war. Yet what did I have under Carter? I felt as though I was planted firmly in the land of have nots.

I didn’t have a car myself back then. Living near DC I took the bus and the subway everywhere. What I can still remember to this day is wondering if it was an odd or even day. For those who were not aware you could only buy gas on the days that corresponded with your tag number. What it an odd or even tag? Well on an odd day you could buy gas if your tag was odd if not then you were out of luck.

At that time I was looking to buy my first home. Interest rates were at 18% when I was looking to buy. Even my childhood home would have cost me about $800 or $900 a month. Still I wanted a piece of the American Dream and so I squeezed every penny which wasn’t easy in the recession.

I remember looking for a higher paying job in 1979. This was in DC a city many felt was recession proof. I had gone to an agency that used to randomly call secretaries to tell you about better job opportunities routinely. I had gotten almost all my office jobs through them. When I arrived in their office the job counselor said she’d never seen anything like this before. She just couldn’t believe the job market and how tight it was.

I remember working two jobs and listening to the radio talk about the annual inflation rate which rose from 4.8% in 1976 to 6.8% in 1977, 9% in 1978, 11% in 1979, and hovered around 12% at the time of the 1980 election campaign. There were 8 million people out of work (about 7.7% unemployment). It was frightening back then and I had two jobs. It is just as frightening, maybe more frightening now.

I think it is more frightening now because I don’t have the invincibility of youth. The Depression for me was something they talked about in history class, that you saw on the show The Little Rascals, and the reason Grandma was afraid to throw anything away. It seemed as though those times were far away and hadn’t we made stop gap measures to keep this from happening again? Now I come from a different perspective. I remember going through several recessions now. I remember being in college and watching people with degrees standing in huge lines to try to get jobs as wait staff in a resort opening in Reston , Virginia . Desperate times and they loom in the shadows waiting to take me under again.

Darryl said he didn’t know why I’m such a pessimist and why I’m focusing on the bad things instead of all the good things we have. He can’t seem to understand why I feel the icy grip of this recession tightening around my throat. Maybe it’s easier for me to focus on the loss of a dream house because there is a definite end to me owning it. There is an uncertainty of when this will end.

Yesterday we talked to Jennifer, our neighbor, who is going to sell our home. At one point she says she was making insane money but now she’s not making anything. She sold her house at a loss and we will be selling ours at a loss. For Darryl, the house is already gone. For me it is still there, still in reach, and still helping me keep a grip on the uncertainty that wraps itself around me. Jennifer said that she heard that home sales might not pick up until 2013. Economists tell us the worse might be over by the end of 2009 or sometime in 2010. When are we going to be out of this recession?

Darryl is so over the house. For me it’s like an extension of who I am. Many women get wrapped up in all those extrinsic things that give us our value. Things like our husband, our home, our kids, our looks, and the list seems endless. Women are such social creatures and we look for outward symbols that say “Look I Belong”. For a man he gets some of those same feelings from his job, his wife, and his car. Darryl threw up to me that I one time told him I could live in a trailer as long as I had him by my side. He asked if I still felt that way. I do love him. If given the choice of keeping the house but losing him there would be no choice, the house would go because he means so much to me.

That choice is not there. The choice is not pick me or the house. There is no choice. I am losing the house. I even asked “What if you got a job by next Friday making as much as or more than your last position, could we keep the house?” He merely answered that we’d discuss it but then went on to argue about all the things he didn’t like about the house and the Homeowners Association. So I feel upset that he doesn’t see that either way the importance of this house to me. I feel my sorrow is falling on deaf ears.

The other day I was typing on the computer and the song “ Allentown ” by Billy Joel began playing in my head. “Filling out forms, standing in line.” “For the promises our teachers made, if we worked hard, if we behaved.” I had thought I worked hard and thought I had behaved. I thought it meant something.

I listen to the talking heads talk of lagging indicators. They say that unemployment represents the past state of the economy more than it indicates where the economy is headed. For the unemployed - and those looking for jobs - it is certainly not good news.

His Own Business The Monkey on Darryl's Back

Today we found a used a coupon I got as a mailer to go out to eat. It was for $10 from Buffalos. I tried their hamburger basket which is three min-burgers and some fries. Our total bill was $3.60. I had a $5 and some change so we were able to tip the waitress.

I was pretty bummed because I had planned to get my hair cut. You see I had a coupon for $125 from the Hair Cuttery and a $45 gift card. I won those last year and had put it aside to use this holiday season. Well silly me. I didn’t realize that they closed all their stores here so I have all these cards and nothing to show for it. I thought I was saving some big money. I’d only used the darn thing once and I’d had my hair cut, dyed, and had highlights put in it. I’d never had my hair dyed professionally. Guess I won’t ever have that done again.

Oh and while I’m on the subject of things expiring or not being able to use something we lost 50,000 American Air miles. We won them about a year ago. Darryl checked on them and low and behold they are gone. They were supposed to never expire. Nope. Not anymore. Good-bye airfare.

Darryl and I chatted about what was going to happen as far as his unemployment and business. He is still obsessed with the idea of starting his own business. So this time I wanted to make sure that I understood what was going to happen. Here is the plan as he laid it out for me.

1. Get three phase power what ever that means.
2. He needs to clear the barn out.
3. Get the breaker box installed in barn and put lights up in barn.
4. He has to secure the barn. He has to build the plasma table and get a compressor.
5. He needs to order a small motor for the gantry.
6. He has to buy racks.
7. He has to buy a plasma cutter.
8. He will need an industrial heavy duty flat bed truck.
9. He says that the cost for all that will be $10,000 and that doesn’t include the truck and this money will come from selling things listed below. The money for the truck will come from selling the car.
10. Darryl needs to sell the tort converters that has on e-bay. He is also going to sell wheels and tires.
11. Darryl hopes to have his business up and running by July 18, 2009
12. December 2, 2008 Darryl will go to Unemployment office and file.
13. Darryl should be contacted by the out placement service people within a week of that. He plans to show them his resume and see if they will help him find a job. After they review his resume he will begin sending his resume off.
14. We will have 8 ½ months of unemployment. If he can find a job before that it would be optimum. If you can’t find a job within 8 ½ months he says he would take a job at McDonalds if necessary. He believes that they will extend unemployment by then.

I wrote all these things down because in the past Darryl gets very far ahead of himself, drags us down into this never ending rabbit hole. I’m continuously admonished that I just don’t understand or long lectures about how I could possibly teach entrepreneurship when I have no entrepreneurial spirit.

Well he’s right there. My head says get a job. That resume should already be going out. We don’t have time to sit here and wait. This whole “I want a business crap” needs to stop.

I’m giving up my house. In 2009 I will turn fifty. I’d like to do something special. Right now all I see is me sitting at the card table at the house in Cartersville with a cupcake and a candle. I feel so sad.

I try to focus, what would I do if Darryl died or was hurt in an accident. Well that would devastate me. So I need to focus on what I do have. I do have my health. I do have a husband I love. I do have two sons that I love. So in that respect I’m plenty blessed.

I just want my life back. Darryl’s still on the sour grapes kick. I’ve told him that what he’d doing is like if my dog was dying and because I felt sad about it he decided to take me to look at other dogs. I could see him saying “Come on Cathy, I know he’s dying and you feel about it but look we’ll get a better dog one that runs around. Hey Cathy, really I mean big dog doesn’t even run around and play with you anymore. Let’s just get a new dog OK?” He just doesn’t understand.

growing up poor

Some of you might have read the previous posts and wondered about how petty I must be. It’s a house. Big deal it’s just a house. Hey what are you whining about, your husband is an engineer you’ll bounce back and true enough I can see your point. Don’t for one second think that I’m some bubble headed rich, sorority girl who is upset because I have to give up my standing appointment at the nail salon.

I mentioned I grew up poor and that is true. I was the oldest of eight kids born to a Washington DC cop and a stay-at-home mom. We lived in a three bedroom home with one bathroom that was about 1,000 square feet.

Our dinner menu was pretty standard. Three or four nights a week we had macaroni and cheese or spaghetti. I’m not talking about fancy variations of the two so that boredom didn’t set in; I’m talking mind numbing sameness. If it was a macaroni and cheese night you knew there would be some tuna in the mix. If there was spaghetti then Dad threw in the cheapest ground beef he could find. They wanted to make sure we got our protein. Forget salads or vegetables. Those would be luxuries. A real treat might be meat loaf and instant mashed potatoes or fish sticks and fries. On rare occasions we might go to McDonalds but that was extremely rare.

While some girls looked at fashion magazines and giggled about what outfits, shoes, or purses they might want, I poured over old issues for Woman’s Day or Family Circle that Dad had bought me from the Goodwill. I dreamed of fixing “nutritious” and “fabulous” dinners for my future family. Pictures of a mom in an apron serving food to an appreciative family danced through my head. In my head I’d see a handsome man and my two beautiful future children, one boy and one girl. We’d be a loving family straight off Father Knows Best or The Donna Reed Show. My house would be spotless and people would drop by and visit.

This was not the life I lived though. I lived in filth. My mom is one of those hoarders and trash was everywhere. Looking back I know that she was depressed and overwhelmed but that really doesn’t dull the memory of being abused and neglected. If we wanted breakfast we fixed it ourselves. Lunch would be peanut butter sandwiches that we slapped together. Dinner was made when Dad was home or we were forced to make more sandwiches.

One sad memories of growing up that I still hold today involves donated clothes. A neighbor woman brought over a bag of hand-me downs to us and I was thrilled to find an outfit that might actually pass for being in style. It was a purple floral mini-skirt, a lavender vest, and a white blouse. I was walking down the hall of John Hanson Junior High when I heard a girl shriek “Oh My God. She’s wearing my old clothes. I can’t believe it. Look at that Bennie Pig wearing my old clothes.” Her friends giggled and laughed and I tried walking away, not giving them an audience by looking back but I was crushed. Tears streamed down my face. I was so tired of people making fun of my out of fashioned clothes. I have read stories about other kids having old clothes but they were clean. I can’t even say that about ours. Once they were worn they waited, often for weeks to be cleaned. Mom wouldn’t let you touch the washing machine. She also forbade us to use the bath or the shower unless she could supervise us which meant that we often had to wait for days to get bathed. It’s hard to live with mental illness. The whole family suffers. We were called Bennie Pigs and teased and taunted.

I guess it would be no surprise to hear that I wound up pregnant by the time I was sixteen. I managed to finish high school but college was not something that I could pay for and scholarships were not coming my way. Our chaotic home life was not always suitable for studying. At age nineteen I moved in with my Grandmother and took a series of minimum wage jobs often working at least two at a time. I enrolled in college and began to work towards making my dream come true. I’d like to be a Barbie girl and live a fabulous life like the feminists I read about. Imagine me writing articles for magazines and people respecting me for my opinions. Imagine a strong man who loved me and supported me. I’d read articles about women fixing up their country homes or their dream homes by the sea and I would say, “One day that will be me. One day I will have it all just like the magazines told me I could.”

Shortly after beginning college though, I met my ex-husband. I quit shortly thereafter. He was gorgeous. In my dreams I might have imagined a man that looked so good would be interested in me. It was his good looks that blinded me to so much. I was willing to forgive so much in order to keep him by my side. When the beatings began I blamed myself and worked to avoid future confrontations. I was too blind to see that this cycle of beating and making up was inevitable for us. The pattern was ingrained in our relationship as was his cheating and coming back. I accepted it all. I believe I’d been raised for just such a relationship and deserved every bit of it. When he left I was devastated. I was suicidal but the reality was that I now had two kids dependent upon me and I needed to do something. I applied for welfare and went back to college. I ached that my kids were growing up in the poverty that had been part of my every day existence but I was working to eliminate that. At first my plan was to get a two year degree as a legal secretary. Then my college professors encouraged me to reach for the brass ring go on and get my Bachelors.

Four years of putting my life on hold. Four years of working two jobs, trying to spend quality time with the boys, and studying, I finally did it. I received my degree and began teaching. I’d had opportunities to remarry but each time I felt that this would put my only chance at an education on the sidelines again. I was now ready to settle down and marry one of those strong men who admired a strong woman but I didn’t meet any of them. As a matter of fact at thirty, with two kids I was a less than desirable marriage partner. The world had seemed to change and no one had given me a head up. I moved to a small school district twenty miles from Richmond , Virginia and began my life anew. I had no one there to help me. My family and friends were a two hour drive from us. If my car broke down, if I needed some help I had no one. It was so scary. Still within two years I bought my first home and I felt that it was saying something about me. I felt like I had overcome. I baked from scratch and had a subscription to Woman’s Day. Even without a husband, at some level I felt like I had arrived. I wanted to be married. I felt so sad when I saw families together at the park or the beach. I think I was very frightened because I knew it all fell on me. If something happened it all fell on me and I didn’t think I was up to the challenge. Nothing had changed. My self-esteem still fragile from abuse and neglect kept me anchored to fear. I wasn’t searching for someone like my husband. As a matter of fact if you asked me what kind of job my husband would have I would have answered a job like military or union.

Despite my degree I was still blue collar and I didn’t dream of marrying a doctor, lawyer or accountant. The fact that Darryl was younger than me threw me off a bit but I really had never dated a guy with a degree before. My best friend Nancy had always insisted that I should but again I just felt that someone with a degree wouldn’t see me as an equal. We married and he started his own business. We bought a house in Rome that I really liked. It wasn’t far from work. I had a pool and really I felt like I was living the lifestyles of the rich and famous even though the house was $150,000. Then September 11th happened and it his business hard. Within a couple of months I was supporting him. “Shut down the business” I begged. It’s time to close it down. A few months later his mom and dad moved in. His mom had been diagnosed with cancer. So now I was supporting him and his parents. If I wanted to go out to dinner at the local Chinese buffet we wouldn’t have the money but I had the money to keep the lights going and the mortgage paid. It just didn’t seem to be part of the bargain. I assumed that being married meant we would both be putting into the pot.

It wasn’t until his mother had been dead for a few months before he finally began looking for a job and closing down his business. The job at Trinity had been a life saver. I believed it would pull us out of the hole we found ourselves in. I thought we would pay down the house and put money away. Instead he bought the house in Cartersville to try to keep his business going as a sideline until he could rebuild it. So no I’m not some snooty rich girl used to Daddy’s money. I wasn’t the Daddy’s little girl that was spoiled rotten. I have lived an up by your boot straps existence. That house on Evening Mist Drive represented so much to me. I felt like we’d truly arrived. I felt like everything else was finally over. It represented my arrival not just into middle class but amazingly enough, upper middle class. All those people who looked down their noses at me in the past might find out they were wrong about me. I was just as good as them. Dare I think it, maybe a little better than them. Maybe Mom was right when she used to say “They’re just jealous of you.” I used to think they had no reason to be but in my fairy tale existence at Evening Mist Drive, I dared to think “Yeah well, maybe they are jealous of me. Maybe they are.”

The Economy Sends Us a Sucker Punch

OH MY GOD!!!!!!!!!!!!! Darryl's company just recently sent him to Mexico. He was gone for several days and I missed him. When he came home he went on and on about what a great sign this was for him. After all his boss normally would have gone on such a trip but they were sending him. We imagined that he would be promoted and sent to Dallas, Texas. I hated to think about that but on the other hand it looked like we'd be moving in the right direction. We figured I'd have another three years here and then I would be vested in my pension plan. We figured even if he got called in before I finished my time here we'd travel back and forth and then I'd move down. I love this house but I wanted Darryl to move forward with his career.

The planets seemed to finally be aligning in all the right places. The auto insurance was going to pay us almost all of what I needed for my new car after the accident. We were finally going to rent out the house in Cartersville. I was beginning to have little dreams of being more like some upper middle class woman. You know the kind that stays at home, gets her hair done every six weeks and goes out to dinner with the girls. We just got an invite from the neighbor women to go to an ornament exchange and I was trying to figure out how to make the pennies really squeeze.

Darryl was wondering about us taking a trip to see my family for the holidays and about seeing Gene get married. We talked about visiting my son Michael before he shipped off for Iraq. As a matter of fact Darryl just emailed me about a cross country trip he'd like to take this summer. We were finally going to stop wondering when the next shoe was going to drop.

Well the shoe dropped. Just a few weeks ago I asked Darryl, what would happen if he got laid off. I fretted over it a little but Darryl assured me his company was having record profits. At the time they were getting ready to send him to Mexico. He assured me that the nation needed coal and he didn't for see any reason to worry. He'd actually been told that engineering probably wouldn't be hurt by all this. He was being trained to take his boss' place. I believed him and I believe Darryl believed this too.

I came home from work planning to work on Dan's resume. Honestly I felt pretty good. I was finally through with being sick. I would have time to work on Dan's stuff and keep up with my sweeps. Yippee. No sense of impending doom.

I was home, maybe an hour and I was fixing dinner. Big dog as moving back and forth, he wanted to go out. I saw Darryl outside. What was that about? He was supposed to be at work. Maybe he was sick. Maybe he took the day off. "Look big dog. Daddy's home."

Darryl looked up. "I didn't want you to see this. I wanted to wait until I got in." he said. He was taking his boots out of the car. His small fridge was in the trunk. "What's wrong?" I asked. He asked me to wait until he got in.

I wondered if he was going to tell me we got broken into again. I'd just had enough I was just sick and tired of it. I waited and stood in front of the stove. What could it be. What did he know. I hadn't seen his Dad was something wrong and he wanted to tell me when he was inside.

Then it clicked. He got laid off. He WHAT? No no that can't be true. That's a crazy thought.

Darryl came in. He got laid off. They called him in today around 3:00 and told him that they were laying him off. This is so unexpected. We were so blindsided by this. We are going to have to give this house, my dream house back to the bank. I'm moving back to Cartersville. I've been here before.

Darryl's got to get a job within three weeks or we lose the house. I told him that we'll just give this house back. There's just no way he can get another job so quickly. Not in this economy. Just no way. I sit here in the loft typing on my computer. I had a dream about how I wanted this loft to look. I loved looking out my window as the sun rose in the morning. I imagined how we would entertain in my beautiful kitchen. I loved my bedroom. I loved my living room. It's a beautiful house.

It's all over. I need to start bringing boxes home soon. We really have to leave. I can't say my life is over. I've faced much worse in my life. What I can say is that this is a sucker punch I wasn't expecting.

Say a prayer for us.