Monday, July 27, 2009

Am I That Dependent?

Could it be that being with one person for over a decade makes one dependent? Dependent on their approval, dependent on their judgment, dependent on their mere presence? Does missing my husband and wishing he was with me violate all the feminist propaganda that I was taught when I was young? Is strength trumped by the desire to have someone with you? Can I point to those seventeen years that I raised two sons on my own as proof I “don’t need anyone” because I can “do it all myself?” Does the yearning to spend time with my husband mean that that was all a sham and prove I’m really desperate and clingy?

I don’t want to say that I was having home sickness or that I was incapable of being alone but it had been so long ago and far away that I had been able to call all the shots without finding out how everyone else feels about things. That feeling I used to have when I was single and wished that I had someone to share an experience with was being revisited.

After leaving the EA Summer in the City Party I was walking the famous Michigan Avenue Bridge and yapping on my cell phone to my husband telling him how much I missed him and loved him and wished he were there. On one hand the freedom was a bit intoxicating but on the other hand I wanted to feel his hand in mind as I walked back to the hotel. Just a little over a year ago the two of us had stayed at the House of Blues. We’d had such a great time exploring Chicago. I had just finished reading Upton Sinclair’s book the Jungle before we’d gone and before that I’d read the Devil in the White City. Neither one of us imagined we’d ever come back to Chicago but there we were and now I might still be a stranger it’s no longer a strange land.

My next stop was supposed to be at the Queerosphere at the Crimson Lounge. They were going to be giving away a sweet cruise. That wasn’t the only reason I was going to go though. I wanted to say that I did something different. Remember going to this conference was about stepping out of my comfort zone. I was going to go places I've never been before. I can honestly say I'd never been to a gay bar. I was going to meet people from many different backgrounds and try to make new friends.

I whispered in the phone that I had to just drop my EA bag off and head on over to Hotel Sax. I never made it. I was too frightened to walk that far in the dark and the drizzle in a city I was not familiar with. Just two days earlier I had heard a news story about someone who was stabbed just a block or two from a downtown area with lots of trendy restaurants. If only I had someone to walk with I wouldn’t have been so nervous. I turned around after a couple of blocks and headed back to the Sheraton.

It's too bad I didn't get to go. If only it had been held at the hotel I definitely would have stopped by.

No comments: